Infertile Me

Where's Your Happy Face?

Last Friday began my first official period since my miscarriage a few months ago. I was not expecting it at all since I had been period free for almost 6 months. I didn't get my usual annoying symptoms - it just showed up. Uninvited and very unwelcome.

It started off so slowly with a huge case of nausea. Every smells made me want to hurl and I spent most of my days overcome with the desire to race to the bathroom to relieve myself of whatever I had (or had not) eaten. I've never had a cycle like this before. If I allowed myself to become consumed with nagging desires, I would swear I was pregnant. But I am not.

Meanwhile, I am on the hunt for employment. Job searching in this part of hell-dome is a pain in the assssssssssssssssssssss. I am used to Milwaukee's huge employment section with its 28763 pages of HELP WANTED ads. Here, the Sunday paper barely has a page and a half. Ugh. I am also used to working for a lot of money in a fast paced environment, but there is none of that here. One ad actually was looking for a secretary and the pay was $5.15/hour. Ashley thought I was crazy when I was sitting in bed crossing out all of the ads I wouldn't even consider. I'll admit I am picky... I don't want some crap-ass job that will make me miserable.

Furthermore, I guess Big Daddy is a little pissed off at me. He has yet to reply to my emails... and now that I think of it I haven't heard from my mom either. They were having a bit of a battle of wits. Ok that isn't true because my dad has no wit. You see, every year my dad goes to that big even where men in uniforms throw a pig skin ball. I only can recall one time where he did not go (and that was because my mother busted him talking to someone about his then-mistress and how he was going to see her and blah blah blah. It was the first time my mother heard for herself - from his mouth - that he was having an affair). Wives and daughters are not invited to join the men - and Ash is included in that group because my dad knows he would tell my mom exactly what was going on. Now when my dad goes, my mother doesn't care and ends up making her own plans which really pisses him off. Don't you LOVE when someone is doing wrong but have the nerve to get upset when they think that someone is doing it too? This year my mom went to stay with some friends but I know before she took off, she left my dad a picture of his mistress from the weekend newspaper with a very harsh note about his lack of taste in women these days. (She sent me a copy... and wow... the lady is not at all attractive. But I have always thought that my moms beauty intimidated my dad so he had to screw ugly women.) I am sure her little comments sent him over the edge of frustration. Plus, he likes to deny that this particular woman is his mistress (even though he has been busted coming out of her house in the middle of the night) so I can only imagine how he attempted to defend his choice while not confirming that she was the one. Oh how I wish I were a fly on the wall for that showdown.

All right, enough ramble. Time to hop back on the "Job Search Express". Wish me luck in finding SOMETHING good around here. My sister told me yesterday that I was going to find a job, get settled into it, totally fall in love with it, and end up pregnant.

If ONLY things were that simple.

My Dad is an Adulterer

It's not a family secret. Everyone who knows us knows. People send my mother pictures of his latest conquest... she occasionally receives random (and anonymous) phone calls from people telling her where he is and who he is with.

I used to be so embarrassed for her. I harbored so much hatred and ill will toward that man that I couldn't stand to hear his voice on the phone. Hell, living with him was torture.

As a teen-ager, I dated men like him. Very handsome but they couldn't keep their dicks in their pants. It never bothered me though because I wasn't sleeping with them and in a very sick way I felt relieved because if they were getting it elsewhere, they wouldn't be bothering me for sex.

When I finally moved away from home, I hunkered down and decided that I was going to find a man who respected me and treated me like royalty. I was never going to settle for anything less. I spent a few years alone and I really enjoyed getting to know myself better. People often ask me where my bitchy-ballsy attitude comes from and that is it. After dating my garden variety of pigs who cheated on me, beat me for no reason and talked to me like I was gutter scum I crawled my way out of the sewer to a bright light of awakening.

Self discovery is amazing. The saying "I can do bad all by myself" derived new meaning. I realized I did not need anyone. I wanted someone... but did I have to have someone? Hell no.

Love and marriage - relationships in general - were always very strange to me. Watching my mother go through the heartache of knowing her husband was a bastard fueled me with a lot of anti-marriage sentiment. I had a plan that I was going to meet someone eventually, he would live elsewhere (we might live together if he was nice enough) and I would have lots of babies without getting married. Everyone knew that.

In the early 90's when I met Ashley, I was still enjoying the freedom of being single. I was harsh and aggressive with him but he never backed off. I knew within days of meeting him that he was the one.  He was going to be the guy I had a ton of babies with - I even thought about marriage once or twice.

Throughout our courtship, he treated me like I was a queen. I lacked for nothing. My mother loved him and my dad called him son. When we decided to get married (at a courthouse with criminals awaiting trial) it was the adulterer who was our witness. I remember him pacing the hallway and asking us several times over if we were sure - we didn't have to get married to prove our love for each other.  Obviously we got married anyway.

As the years passed, the charm my father had sprinkled over Ashley began to wear off. Ash began to see things the rest of us already knew. He began to realize what the late night conversations with my mother were all about. The respect he had for my father began to wear off little by little. He became privy to all of the gossip and hurt that was going around.

After Ash joined the military I went home to live with my parents for a few months. I didn't want to stay in WI alone and anytime I can spend with my mom is a good time (even when she gets on my nerves). I settled back into my old routine and loved being there. My friends were calling - it seemed more men than women - and the adulterer lost his mind. He actually confronted me. He removed all of the phones from the house and refused to allow me to use them. He threatened to go to my husband with his new found information. THIS from a man who had been cheating on his wife for over 10 years!! When I told him to go ahead, HE DID. The next time Ash called, he told him what I was doing. Heaven help him, Ash went off of on him and told him to mind his business.

This caused a huge rift in their relationship (DUH) and when I moved out tension remained in the air. Years have passed and time seemed to have healed old wounds...

Until a week ago.

I was speaking to my father about life in general and what our upcoming plans were for the next few years. Ash is debating whether to re-enlist or separate (it seems as if we are leaning more towards separation...)  and we decided that regardless of what happens, we wanted to be debt free by next year. We don't have a lot of it, but enough to make buying a house a big pain in the ass. I told my father this and he lost it. He went on and on about how pathetic my husband was and that he was a less-than man for having me without a car. The insults went on for ever.

Huh? This from a man who is having AN AFFAIR! The King of Adultery! Usually when speaking to my father, I turn into a ball of emotional mush. He can make me cry and feel like I am 10 within a matter of minutes. But for some reason, nothing he said affected me. I just sat on the phone listening to him spew bullshit.

A few days later, we got the Durango and I sent him a HUGE picture via email with the subject of "Good Enough For You?" He never replied. Nor did he share the information with my mother. What an asshole.

I know many of you are wondering why my mother puts up with his cheating ways... I used to wonder the same thing. She is a very religious woman who takes the word of the Bible very seriously. Plus the fact that she believes that what comes around goes around doesn't hurt much either. She says that his ways no longer affect her emotionally and I can see that now. She isn't upset by it and as long as she can live in the big house while he pays the bills, all is well. He is usually out and about tending to his whores or getting drunk, so he is never really under her skin. I don't think it makes it all right, but I definitely understand.

Many years ago she told me that her relationship with my father did not reflect my relationship with him. She was right. I had my own issues with the creep... Even though we have an estranged relationship and I would more than likely not allow him to go anywhere near any child of mine, I am grateful for him. Had I not had such a shit-bucket of a father, I would have never ended up with such a wonderful husband - at least that is what I'd like to believe. :)

I Guess Now Is About When I Should Start Bitching

Ok so like I totally don't like to like bitch like when stuff like goes wrong. You know? And recently all hell has been like totally like breaking lose in my house.

If isn't one thing, its another. The car breaks down, the washer clonks out right before the rinse cycle, my health is all fucked up (I went to the Dr today and he somehow managed to totally fuck up my neck even further... BUT I must say that I love my Dr so I will forgive him- this time). Soooooooooooooo, to remedy the pits, I got a new car/suv/truck... YIPPEEEEE. We had a whole 24 hours of joy with the vehicle.

This afternoon Ashley and I decided the Durango (who we now call Cinnamon) needed a good washing. We went outside lathered it up, scrubbed her good and rinsed her off. We turned the hose off and headed inside. As we stepped into the house, we encountered a pool of water which soon turned into a pond and then into a lake. WTF.

A pipe burst in our wall.

My closet full of shoes (that I paid far too much for) and clothes (I should never have bought) is now flooded with about over an inch of water. In fact my entire bedroom and bathroom are flooded. The hallway, front closet, living room and hallway closet have also been blessed with this unwanted lake. Ugh.

I think Ashley is about to burst a blood vessel.

To help us with the flooding, the housing folks are bringing us a shop vac. Geez... thanks for all your help.

Is the Honeymoon Over?

So I got my precioooous Durango and it had less than a fourth of a tank of gas so I figured, "hey.... I'll go fill up." Ha.

$35.25 later and I am wondering how much I am going to enjoy this massive gas guzzling machine. At this rate I'll need THREE jobs to afford the car note, insurance and gas!

Oh well. I love it still and if it takes 3 jobs, I guess I can send Ash out to find 2 more. Hehe.