Infertile Me

Back To Normal? HA!!

I thought I had everything pretty much under control in my day to day life, and that meant I would be able to start posting regulary and then everything kind of went bonkers.

I have a kiddie birthday party to get ready for but I'll be back later with a few of the details. I just popped in to see what was going on with my Typepad account, thought maybe it was cancelled or something.... but it wasn't.

Clearly an omen that my time here is not yet over. :)

This Shhhhhhhhhit is Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

[Sigh]

Hello everyone. Talk about living the hectic life lately.

You know how when you have been out of work for ever and ever it takes a while for you to get adjusted to being back in the swing of things? Well, it's taken me this long to actually get my footing and feel comfortable in my new skin.

Work is actually going really good. I love my job and my bosses and the girls I work with. Dr. Ass has begun to show a bit of his personality and Dr. Suave (as much as I love and adore him) is about as dependable as a crack-fiend seeking her nightly high.

For the past few months when I got home, all I wanted to do was take off my clothes and fall into bed. Working for a surgeon takes me on such an emotional roller coaster. Naturally, I have to deal with the psychos who are pissed off because they need a refill RIGHT NOW and our policy (which is stated everywhere) says it takes 72 hours, but on the other end of the spectrum we have young girls my age dealing with various types of cancer. It is absolutely heart-breaking to make that phone call letting them know the doctor needs to see them...

Me: Hi. Miss X.... Dr. Suave would like for you to come in and see him.

Miss X : Oh? Why?

Me: (Preparing for the big lie) I am not exactly sure ma'am. He only gave me a note stating that he wanted you to come in.

Miss X: Hmmmm, is there any way you can find out why?

I usually have to put them on hold and gather my bearings because I know we can not give them the information over the phone. I stare at the note from the Dr. which also includes all of their lab results, mammograms and ultrasounds. I do my best not to focus on the words.... category 4 cancer.  My eyes always scurry around the page looking for their date of birth... our most recent was 11/24/73.  She was one month older than me. Ugh.

I pick up the phone again to continue my shroud of mystery...

Me: Unfortunately ma'am, the Dr. is with a patient right now, but I can get you in to see him today. Come right now. 

Miss X: This is serious, isn't it?

Me: Ma'am, I honestly can not say. But please, come right now. I'll get your chart and as soon as you get here, we'll put you back to see him.

Hanging up the phone is always the hardest part. Sometimes we cannot get them in the same day so they'll call back freaking out. They want to know what is going on. They demand to speak to a nurse who cannot tell them any more than I can. It's devastating.

Sadly, I feel lucky that when they come in my back is to them so I can not see their faces. But they know my name... they know me... and ask for me. Working for 4 doctors, the phone is always ringing, and I am grateful for that during those times.

No matter how much I try and hide though... no matter how much I fight what I know... I always come face to face with them in the end. They stop at my desk to prepare for the next step in their journey. They come to me with blood-shot eyes, mascara running down their faces, family members at their side sobbing, friends embracing each other.

When I am not dealing with the young girls and women with cancer, we have the elderly people who are residing in nursing homes. We get to know them so personally.... and the worst call is the one that lets us know that they have passed. Ugh, I cringe and hate having to pass on the news. It seems so surreal though, you almost think its a mistake until they walk in with the death certificate. I stare at those things for what feels like hours.

My job is not all depressing. I do my share of laughing. I have some of the most amazing relationships with people there. A patient once sent me flowers because I helped her and her husband. I got a $10 tip the other day from another patient because while he was suffering I made him an appointment. Hell, I am only doing my job but they see me as a miracle worker. They ask for me by name now... They know when they really want it to get done to come to me. My partner in crime is a young girl I'll name "C" who works the front counter. She gets all the crazy's who are pissed off when the wait is too long.... I get all the crazy's who wanted something done yesterday. It is amazing how when they are in the office they are pissed when they have to wait, but once they are home, they expect us to get the doctor to tend to their special request. It's just not going to happen.

Sooooooooooo, after getting used to that insanity, I finally began to have a life. Ash went off to ALS (Airman Leadership School) for 5 weeks. That took some adjusting to. We survived though and are now back on track to getting him to Korea. If he does go, we will be living in Las Vegas, NV upon his return. If he doesn't go, well, we'll talk about that later.... Of course, now that our base is on the BRAC list there are no worries of us being here much longer.  The 5 weeks were worth it because he won "Distinguished Graduate"!  Whoo hoo!

The Durango was giving me hell for a bit... had to fix this and that. Long story, but hopefully I won't have to worry about that for a while.

I wasn't even checking my mail for a while. Today, I looked at my hotmail and had 798 unread emails. I immediately closed it. There are 367 in my Yahoo! Clearly, I'll have to devote a day to checking those. My desk was covered in mail up until today because I was just walking into my office and dumping it on my desk and going into my bedroom.

One of the things I started doing again now that I am trying to get back to normal is spending a lot of time with my goddaughters. Almost every Saturday we go somewhere or do something. They come to our house and make the kind of mess their mother will not allow. Hehe. Yesterday we went bowling. They had a blast. Shan (their mum) is pregnant with ANOTHER GIRL. She is due in 9 weeks, so once she has that baby, I'll probably have the girls all weekend. I think it finally hit Ash yesterday that having kids is some HARD work. Going out and about with a 2 and 4 year old is tiring! We were exhausted yesterday... but I had fun.

Anyway, I am really serious now when I say I am going to do my best to sit and write now. At least I can see (and use) my keyboard. That had been somewhat of a minor issue before.

Ok... I've got to go help with dinner.

I miss you all! And I read all of your emails today (unless it was sent to Yahoo or Hotmail). Love, Hugs and Kisses to you all.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like.... Christmas?

[I wrote this yesterday, and I guess in all the excitement of being home, I forgot to save it... DOH!]

I am slowly overcoming this muck called bronchitis. It sucks (and hurts like hell!!) I didn't know coughing could be so damn painful!

Anyway, work is going great! Dr. Ass has mad a complete turn-around since I began being sugary nice to him. He comes in and speaks to C and me in the morning... and the other day he even tried to tell her a joke. We bust our asses for him, and hopefully he is beginning to appreciate it.

This morning I woke up to a shitload of snow. Utterly beautiful and amazing Wisconsin-like snow that covered every inch of everything. I was stunned into silence as I looked around at everything. Just this past weekend we were in the 80's!! [I took pictures but I am too lazy to upload them just yet.]

Everything was on a 2-3 hour delay as they tried to clean up the roads and whatnot, but I had to get to the work on time. Ashley took me and all of us women scurried around the office trying to get the day started. At about 8:30, Dr. A came in and said good morning.... I was already swamped with calls from those who did not want to travel through the snow to their appointments and those who had nothing better to do with their time so they wanted to make an appointment to see the doctor. About 5 minutes later, he walks up to me and says, "I think we should close the office. Start calling the patients and rescheduling... ok?" I was so shocked my mouth fell open and all I could do was nod.

As word spread about the office closure, the girls scrambled to get things done in fear that Dr. A would change his mind and make us stay and work. I learned that he had never before closed the office due to weather. Isn't that a blip? Anywho, I called everyone in record time (I am becoming a pro on the phone now. The key is to not give people options but instead TELL them when they will see the Dr.) and was out of the office an hour after I had arrived.

I guess it was a bad snow day for the base as well because they sent everyone home, so Ash and I got to spend a glorious day vegging out.

We ended up going to the mall so I could stock up on all of my Clinique stuff. [I think I own every damn thing Clinique makes, and that shit isn't cheap.] Then we went to dinner before coming home and watching "The Amazing Race".  I need more days like this for sure.

I guess I'll go get ready for tomorrow. Ash doesn't have to go into work until 9, but I have to be there at 7:30... Tooooooooo damn early!! But hey, at least I had the day off.

I'll Take Some Abuterol with Those Fries Please

So, on Sunday I was feeling pretty shitty. I was almost certain that I had a migraine and was popping codeine pill after codeine pill all day. That didn't do shit for me or my multiple symptoms. I was cold, then hot, then cold. I had an annoying dry cough, along with a body that felt like I had been hit by a Mac truck.

On Monday morning, against my better judgment, I went to work. About an hour after I got there, it really hit me. I felt AWFUL! I was freezing, yet hot as hell. My eyes felt like they were about to fall out. My bosses kept asking me if I was ok and if I needed to go home, but I was determined to stick it out. Around 11 a.m. I couldn't take it anymore. The Nurse Practitioner (CPN) M, who I LOVE, told me to let her check me out to make sure everything was ok.

Come to find out, my temp was 102.3, my blood pressure was unusually high and I could barely breathe. She diagnosed me with acute bronchitis. I left the office with 6 prescriptions and strict orders to go home and sleep. When I got home I immediately fell asleep. A few hours later Ash came in with my prescriptions, and shortly after that a nice lady with this nebulizer machine came over. Breathing treatments are pretty cool! I suck down some nasty shit and a few seconds later I can breathe!! Of course, that breathing comes with something that sounds like a rattle snake in my chest.

Last night, after all of the breathing treatment and countless pills, I had a horrible case of insomnia. I felt better indeed, but now I am EXHAUSTED. I had to call into work (which makes me paranoid because Lord only knows what grumbling sounds Dr. Ass is making in my absence.)... but I am crossing my fingers that I'll get some rest and be able to go in tomorrow. :)

Working in a Dr.'s office is an emotional thing. We have a lot of breast cancer patients and several elderly sick patients. We get about 1 or 2 death certificates every few weeks which is really sad. Dr. Ass and Dr. Suave do colonoscopies (which really makes Dr. Asses name fitting) and so the follow up on that is depressing at times. I have myself already attached to certain patients. I know their names and everything they are going through. Even now, as I sit at home they are on my mind.

Anyway, I just got off the phone with M and she said it was the Levaquin I am taking that is keeping me up at night. Joy. She said for me to take some Benadryl tonight and that should help me sleep.

It's lunch time!! That means time for more pills and a loud nebulizer. I hope everyone else is feeling better.

Heh...

Dudes and Dudettes...

I went out and got a job.

I now work for a Surgeon...

Surprisingly, I love my job.

Thus, this is why I have been missing lately.

I am finally settled into my hectic schedule, and I will return to the life of posting asap. Besides, I need something to do while I catch up on all the shows I miss during the day.

Until later mijas.

Where's Your Happy Face?

Last Friday began my first official period since my miscarriage a few months ago. I was not expecting it at all since I had been period free for almost 6 months. I didn't get my usual annoying symptoms - it just showed up. Uninvited and very unwelcome.

It started off so slowly with a huge case of nausea. Every smells made me want to hurl and I spent most of my days overcome with the desire to race to the bathroom to relieve myself of whatever I had (or had not) eaten. I've never had a cycle like this before. If I allowed myself to become consumed with nagging desires, I would swear I was pregnant. But I am not.

Meanwhile, I am on the hunt for employment. Job searching in this part of hell-dome is a pain in the assssssssssssssssssssss. I am used to Milwaukee's huge employment section with its 28763 pages of HELP WANTED ads. Here, the Sunday paper barely has a page and a half. Ugh. I am also used to working for a lot of money in a fast paced environment, but there is none of that here. One ad actually was looking for a secretary and the pay was $5.15/hour. Ashley thought I was crazy when I was sitting in bed crossing out all of the ads I wouldn't even consider. I'll admit I am picky... I don't want some crap-ass job that will make me miserable.

Furthermore, I guess Big Daddy is a little pissed off at me. He has yet to reply to my emails... and now that I think of it I haven't heard from my mom either. They were having a bit of a battle of wits. Ok that isn't true because my dad has no wit. You see, every year my dad goes to that big even where men in uniforms throw a pig skin ball. I only can recall one time where he did not go (and that was because my mother busted him talking to someone about his then-mistress and how he was going to see her and blah blah blah. It was the first time my mother heard for herself - from his mouth - that he was having an affair). Wives and daughters are not invited to join the men - and Ash is included in that group because my dad knows he would tell my mom exactly what was going on. Now when my dad goes, my mother doesn't care and ends up making her own plans which really pisses him off. Don't you LOVE when someone is doing wrong but have the nerve to get upset when they think that someone is doing it too? This year my mom went to stay with some friends but I know before she took off, she left my dad a picture of his mistress from the weekend newspaper with a very harsh note about his lack of taste in women these days. (She sent me a copy... and wow... the lady is not at all attractive. But I have always thought that my moms beauty intimidated my dad so he had to screw ugly women.) I am sure her little comments sent him over the edge of frustration. Plus, he likes to deny that this particular woman is his mistress (even though he has been busted coming out of her house in the middle of the night) so I can only imagine how he attempted to defend his choice while not confirming that she was the one. Oh how I wish I were a fly on the wall for that showdown.

All right, enough ramble. Time to hop back on the "Job Search Express". Wish me luck in finding SOMETHING good around here. My sister told me yesterday that I was going to find a job, get settled into it, totally fall in love with it, and end up pregnant.

If ONLY things were that simple.

I Guess Now Is About When I Should Start Bitching

Ok so like I totally don't like to like bitch like when stuff like goes wrong. You know? And recently all hell has been like totally like breaking lose in my house.

If isn't one thing, its another. The car breaks down, the washer clonks out right before the rinse cycle, my health is all fucked up (I went to the Dr today and he somehow managed to totally fuck up my neck even further... BUT I must say that I love my Dr so I will forgive him- this time). Soooooooooooooo, to remedy the pits, I got a new car/suv/truck... YIPPEEEEE. We had a whole 24 hours of joy with the vehicle.

This afternoon Ashley and I decided the Durango (who we now call Cinnamon) needed a good washing. We went outside lathered it up, scrubbed her good and rinsed her off. We turned the hose off and headed inside. As we stepped into the house, we encountered a pool of water which soon turned into a pond and then into a lake. WTF.

A pipe burst in our wall.

My closet full of shoes (that I paid far too much for) and clothes (I should never have bought) is now flooded with about over an inch of water. In fact my entire bedroom and bathroom are flooded. The hallway, front closet, living room and hallway closet have also been blessed with this unwanted lake. Ugh.

I think Ashley is about to burst a blood vessel.

To help us with the flooding, the housing folks are bringing us a shop vac. Geez... thanks for all your help.

Is the Honeymoon Over?

So I got my precioooous Durango and it had less than a fourth of a tank of gas so I figured, "hey.... I'll go fill up." Ha.

$35.25 later and I am wondering how much I am going to enjoy this massive gas guzzling machine. At this rate I'll need THREE jobs to afford the car note, insurance and gas!

Oh well. I love it still and if it takes 3 jobs, I guess I can send Ash out to find 2 more. Hehe.

How Much is that Durango in the Window?

Too much! But I am getting it anyway.

Our car broke down a few weeks ago and we have been without a car for a while now. It doesn't really suck because there isn't much to do around here. I didn't want to buy a new car because that is too much money and I would end up working my ass off for it, and that would leave me very little time to enjoy it.

However, I saw this Durango (burgundy-ish color) and so beautiful and I knew I had to have it. It's a 1999 with about 60k miles (not too bad) and it's perfect for driving long distances across this crazy New Mexico terrain.

I didn't think we were going to get it though because for every 3 steps we took forward in getting it, we were sent 5 steps back. When we left on Saturday I had pretty much given up any hope of us getting it. BUT, last night when we got home there was a message telling "the Durango is yours. When would you like to accept delivery of it?" I went screaming through the house and onto the front yard cause I was so damn excited.

It was a perfect end to a perfect weekend. More on that later!

The Start of a New Year

The hardest part of the year for me is always the last week, leading into the first few days of the new year. I always feel on edge and annoyed. It's as if I think there is something I have forgotten to do and that is going to cause me to have a horrific new year.

Then you add in the whole birthday thing, where I sit around torturing myself because L sucks as a biological mother - and I feel guilty in some part for her being a total psycho - into the mix and things really get interesting. I also usually spend most of my birthday staring at my hands wondering whose they look like. I do it every year. It's like a missing puzzle piece and I spend endless hours searching for it. It's also a day where I sit around wondering about my birth. Did L even cry? Did she feel anything?? Ashley is really good though at keeping me distracted on that infamous day. He gets me a card, a big cake, we go out to dinner and sometimes a movie. It's always a good time. I am left with very little time to fret.

I am not an age counter. If you were to ask me how old I am, I would seriously look dumbfounded. "Uhh... late 20's or so maybe". One time when I was in court they asked me my age and I told them I was 25 and I wasn't. They naturally took that to mean I was a big liar even though I tried to explain it was a number I didn't much care about. However, this year I turned 31 and it held special meaning because I was actually IN my thirties. I had been talking about it all year long. Whoo hoo... I am going to be 31. I was really excited.

But nothing happened. My mother didn't give me anything. No one called. My husband didn't even get me a card. It was like every other day. You know it is a sad day when the parents of a friend are the only people to give you a gift. They even took me out to dinner. Not that I didn't appreciate their gesture, but geesh... Not at all what I expected.

I had been prepared for it though, because having a birthday on the 27th sucks. Most people get so caught up in the whole Christmas thing that the last thing on their mind is my birthday. Most of the calls come late late at night or sometimes on the morning of the 28th. Cards trickle in over the next week or so because people don't mail them until the 26th or 27th.

This year, I told everyone who didn't call or send a card to not freak out, we could do something on the 31st! Take your time with the cards.... gifts even. No rush. I still didn't get shit.

In all the years that I have been married, Ashley and I have never failed to celebrate my birthday. I knew money was tight (even though e-cards are free) I suggested to him we wait as well. The 31st came and went. My own husband didn't even get me a card. WTF! There was no cake... no dinner... NADA! ZILCH! ZERO!

So, that really left me with a lot of extra time on my hands to twiddle my thumbs, read emails from demented REAL mothers who have a mysterious uterous that I have never heard of, clean my house as though I was trying to find a buyer, reorganize my scrapbooking supplies, and do research as to why I feel like I am slowly dying everyday.

And that is what 2005 has brought me. It feels like constant misery. I could burst into tears at any given moment. I don't want to get out of bed most days and when I do I feel very zombie-ish.

I guess it doesn't help that I have been sick these past few weeks. My migraines have evolved into shooting pains in the neck and throbbing pain on the right side of my face. It started off simple... well not really. One day I was walking around and suddenly felt like someone electrocuted the right side of my face. Thank God I was sitting or I am certain I would have hit the floor - hard.  That has since gotten worse and now I have these mini-electric shocks every few hours. Add a nice dose of what feels like whiplash and that equals the norm for me lately.

I am looking forward to February when, hopefully, all this will go away. I am going to the doctor - but these are military officials we are talking about. Looking at the wonderful care I got for my hives (add sarcasm here) I am certain they will really give two hoots about me having "headaches".

When I went in for the hives, I got a long lecture about eating peanuts. He then gave me 3 EPI pens. He never looked at the hives. And when Ashley asked about getting me tested for food allergies the doctor said, "... that is too costly and time consuming. Go home and do your own research to narrow it down. It might make for a bland diet but at least you will be safe." He gave me some Claritin and sent me off.

I am prepared to go back to the doctor with my research in hand about what may be causing this (I have had suggestions such as Bells Palsy, Lupus, etc... if you have any ideas spill it!!) and when he starts spouting off BS and prescribes me some more Claritin I will have a Monique sized fit and demand they send me off to San Antonio for some real testing.

For now though, I can at least find some comfort in the fact that I am up, sitting at my computer doing some actual typing, and not really feeling at all like a zombie.

For now.